


To My Heart Like a Flood

by blackhoodsand20



Category: Sons of Anarchy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:35:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29369385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackhoodsand20/pseuds/blackhoodsand20
Summary: As they wondered where time went, they both marveled at having felt like they had already led a million different lives.A happily-ever-after for my favorite couple from Charming.
Relationships: Tara Knowles/Jax Teller
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	To My Heart Like a Flood

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is a one-shot that's been brewing in my head since - well, since the show went off the air! During a recent rewatch of the series I thought I should finally put it down on "paper."
> 
> This story assumes all the events in S6 happened, just up until Tara's death, save for Wendy's relapse (so, no Tara/Gemma altercation). We'll just live in my fun fantasy world where Jax turned himself in and Tara waited for him. This isn't a story with a plot, it's mostly a reflective piece of how I imagine the Tellers' lives five years after Jax is released from prison. I hope you enjoy reading it!

Thomas Teller rolled his eyes as he sat in a tiny, uncomfortable pink chair and felt small, chubby palms poke and prod his hair and face. "Um, how much longer until I'm...done?" He shifted in his seat, nervous for the response.

"Almost done and you'll look BEAUTIFUL, Tommy!" Lizzie stood back from him and put both hands up as if to frame his face. "Yes, it's perfect. Make sure you show Mommy."

"OK, Lizard. Thanks for the makeover." He kissed his little sister on the head and swiftly moved out of her room before she changed her mind, stopping into the bathroom to quickly wipe off what felt like a pound of "toy" makeup. He made his way downstairs and into the kitchen where his mother was looking over a stack of paperwork at the counter. She glanced up at him as he entered the room and couldn't stop her laughter.

"She got you again, huh?" Tara Knowles-Teller was glad that her sons had the patience they did. As teenagers, she fully expected them to ignore their 4-year-old sister and run off to be with their friends at every minute they could. But Abel and Thomas were kind, loving, and attentive older brothers and their sister worshipped them for it. The fact that they could be run-of-the-mill asshole teenage _sons_ at times, well, that was another story.

"Yeah, but it's fine. Can I go see what Dan is up to before dinner?"

"Sure, but keep your phone on you. Dad's picking it up whenever he and Abel head home from the test. If he passed, Abel's choice. If he didn't, it's just pizza."

"So no word yet?"

"Nope, they're still waiting for him to go."

"I'm sure we're all gonna have to eat Indian food. No way he's not gonna pass."

Jax had taken Abel for his driver's test, a week after turning 16. Although he had been begging for the motorcycle license, he only was able to take it if he passed the regular road test the first time, per Jax and Tara's rules. The bike he and Jax had worked on building for over a year when he was 14 sat in the garage, waiting for him to take it on his inaugural solo ride. He was also itching to take his girlfriend on a ride as soon as he got the license. Katie was a sweet girl, but Tara didn't know much about her yet; Abel had only brought her around a few times. But she seemed to be a good influence - she was a good student, was perfectly polite, and wore higher-cut shirts than Tara had in high school, which relieved her even though Jax teased her about her hypocrisy. Katie was also the reason behind Abel's newfound love for Indian food, which Thomas teased him mercilessly over - Abel had asked her on the date spontaneously one afternoon after school but was woefully unprepared and Katie ended up choosing the restaurant, much to his embarrassment.

Tara continued to sift through paperwork from the hospital she hadn't been able to finish before she had to pick up Lizzie from pre-K. As the lead neonatologist at Rady Children's, Tara's days of surgery were behind her. She focused her time on coordinating the plans of care for the children unfortunate - or fortunate, as Jax liked to remind her - to be placed in her and her team's care.

San Diego seemed a logical choice when Jax had been released from Stockton five years earlier. Despite the proximity to the prison, when Jax first turned himself in, Tara's first order of business was getting the hell out of Charming. She rented a house in Lathrop near Wendy for a few weeks while she got her head on straight. She needed time to think and although their history was rife with complication, she knew that Wendy was someone she could rely on to help with her children. Gemma was too raw from Jax's sentencing. Although she knew it was his own decision - and the right one - Tara still sensed the tension from her and knew some part of her blamed Tara for her son being away.

Being in Lathrop allowed them their weekly visits to Jax while affording Tara the possibility of searching for jobs elsewhere. When she landed a consulting neonatal specialist position at UCSF, she was able to buy a house in Walnut Creek and threw the kids into school and various activities. Their lives were mundane, peaceful, almost boring. It took her a long time to not look over her shoulder ever time she left the house, startle at every small noise, go out of her mind with worry when she didn't have her boys within her sight. 

The absence of Jax, always looming, somehow grew larger over time as the boys grew and started to recognize that their weekly visits were something that other "normal" families didn't do. She and Jax were able to eventually explain, with varying degrees of honest truth, to their sons why Daddy was in prison, why they didn't see their "uncles" as much as they once did, why Grandma always seemed sad when she made her bi-weekly visits to them. They both took the incarceration day by day. Those days added up and then after seven years, right when Tara had just assured herself she wouldn't get her hopes up, she stood by the gate while Jax strode towards her, beaming, golden, free.

Before he was out, they knew they had to leave Northern California. Being in such proximity to their old life now that Jax was out of prison seemed to be something they both agreed was a bad idea without ever verbally acknowledging it. Oregon had been on the table, but California was in both of their blood, and the thought of not being able to ride his bike for any day of the year due to weather wasn't something Jax could agree to, especially after seven years of missing it. Despite the heart-crushing agony she had been in when she arrived in San Diego almost 20 years earlier after she left Charming the first time, Tara did still love the city and was determined to make better memories in a warm, sunny place where her children could go to school with classmates who didn't know their father had been in prison.

"Mommy!" Lizzie Teller bounded into the kitchen, dark hair flying behind her. While all three of her children had their father's sparkling blue eyes, Lizzie inherited Tara's dark hair, and secretly Tara was grateful that at least one of her children bore some of her resemblance. "I'm doing makeovers. I'm going to do Dolly next, but I will call you when I'm ready."

"OK sweetheart," Tara kissed her daughter's head and she exited the room as swiftly as she entered.

Elizabeth Opie Teller had also entered the world rather quickly. At 40, Tara was not unpleasantly surprised to find herself pregnant, Jax having been home for three months. Jax was equally shocked, but mostly at the fact that it took three whole months to get Tara pregnant given the rate they were going. Despite sharing two children together, this was the first time that Jax was present for the entire pregnancy as well as the birth. Beyond being present for the birth; he almost had to deliver Lizzie. He and Tara had been driving to dinner to celebrate their ninth wedding anniversary when she suddenly yelped, clutched his arm, and exclaimed that this baby was coming.

_"OK, turn around, we need to get to the hospital," Tara panted, squeezing Jax's arm with a death grip he knew she likely possessed but had never actually felt firsthand._

_"What? What the fuck - Tara, how?" Jax was perplexed. Having not been present for either of his two children's births, he didn't quite know exactly what to expect, but even with his wife almost nine months pregnant, he knew this was moving rather fast._

_"I've been having contractions all day but I didn't think they were real. Just go, drive." Tara closed her eyes tight in pain, oblivious to her husband volleying his wild-eyed stare from her, to the road, and back again._

_"All day?!" he shouted, swiftly pulling the wheel in the opposite direction and gunning it for the hospital. Almost an hour later, Tara sat back exhausted in the gurney in the triage room while the wails of their daughter filled the air. She was placed on Tara's chest as both parents stared on in misty-eyed wonder, Jax fully crying when the impact of what had just happened hit him._

_"Tara, I don't...she's so..." he trailed off._

_"I know. Look at her," Tara whispered in awe. She turned her head to watch her husband stare helplessly at the tiny pink infant and swore she fell in love with him even more, if that were at all possible. He caught her looking at him and bent down to kiss her, trying his best to pour all the emotions he was currently feeling into her. She was named - after her mother's mother and her father's best friend - and wheeled away to ensure her heart was as healthy as her next oldest brother's. The doctor shook his head as he left the room._

_"Ten more minutes in any kind of traffic, you would have been delivering that baby in your car, Mr. Teller."_

* * *

Tara's phone buzzed on the counter near her elbow.

**Passed. Stopping at the Indian place but as soon as these kids get the hell out of the house tonight I'm ordering a pizza.**

Tara smiled to herself and she tapped out a reply to her husband and texted Thomas to be home in 20 minutes. She didn't allow herself to think too hard about how her oldest son just gained his first significant symbol of independence. It felt like just yesterday she was picking him up as an infant and handing him to Jax to hold for the first time; the idea of him driving away from her caused her heart to seize up. She instead busied herself on cleaning up her paperwork and preparing the table for dinner.

Twenty minutes later the door opened and she heard the sounds of her favorite boys all talking loudly over each other, Jax and Abel through the door first with Thomas hot on their heels. Hearing her father from upstairs, Lizzie let out a shriek of "DADDY!" and her small footsteps came pattering down the stairs. Jax appeared at the doorway holding his daughter, her arms tight around his neck as he reached over to place the food on the counter.

"Hey, babe." He reached for Tara and as she walked closer to him, his free hand closed around the back of her neck, his thumb brushing her cheek as he tilted his mouth over hers. Tara wondered if there would ever be a time in her life when the feel of Jax's lips on hers wouldn't send a thrill through her body; when his deep voice didn't make her shiver. Sometimes she was in total awe that this man was hers. Even though he was approaching fifty, Jax hadn't seemed to age a day since she first saw him again after her return to Charming. He had a few more lines on his face, his hair that he now kept shorter was getting silver in some places, and he needed his reading glasses whenever he sat at his laptop writing or sorting through bills from the shop, but her heart still skipped a beat every time she looked at him.

"Gross," Tommy groaned as he washed his hands for dinner. Tara laughed and pulled away from Jax, turning towards her oldest son.

"Congratulations, new driver! I knew you'd pass." She pulled Abel in for a hug and he squeezed her back, his lanky body already a few inches taller than hers. It was hard to imagine the early days of Jax's first incarceration, when she first realized Abel was her own and she cared for him by herself while Thomas grew inside of her. How could that small baby she used to bathe, nuzzle, and sing to sleep be this _young man_ in front of her now? 

"Thanks, Mom," Abel said, pulling away and kissing her cheek. "Now I just gotta pass the motorcycle test." He pulled out a worn copy of the DMV's motorcycle test handbook, weathered and dogeared. It always struck Tara as funny that her most studious child was not hers biologically. 

"Come on, you know you'll pass," Jax said without a second thought, dropping Lizzie into her seat at the table.

"Still, can never be too prepared!" Tara chirped, pulling out her own chair. "I personally am just excited that you can help me with Lizzie's drop off and pick up now. This doesn't just mean freedom for you, kid."

"I don't know about that," Abel responded. "I mean, I don't have my own _car_. But I do have my own bike."

"You do?" Jax asked, eating the food off Tara's plate that she had served herself. She rolled her eyes and switched their plates, used to his antics. "Weird, I thought I paid for that bike."

"Yeah," Abel had the decency to look somewhat sheepish. "But I basically built it all by myself! With your help." He added off of Jax's raised eyebrows.

"Alright, well, for now you'll just have to resort to my car or dad's truck if you want to do any joyriding," Tara reminded him.

"You gonna give me a ride to Tourmaline later?" Thomas piped up, serving himself a heaping plate of food. Tara almost couldn't believe how much her two teenage sons could eat - well, she wouldn't believe it if she didn't see her grocery bills every month.

"You're going to that bonfire? Don't you sophomores have your own beaches to hang out at?" Abel looked questioningly at his brother.

"I don't want you to go. I want you to stay home with me and watch Frozen!" Lizzie sat across from her brothers, not quite pouting, but certainly making her preference for the evening's plans known. Thomas and Abel looked at each other, then at their mother. Tara just shrugged her shoulders, leaving it to them to let their sister down. Luckily for them, Jax stepped in.

"How about I watch the movie with you, EO?" he cupped his daughter's tiny chin in his hand, softening her with the special nickname only he used.

Lizzie considered it. "Alright, but, you can't steal my movie snacks this time." Jax gave a hearty laugh.

"Can't you find another ride? I have to pick up Katie," Abel returned to the previous conversation.

"Yeah, no. No one who's not family in the car for six months, you know those are the rules." Jax looked pointedly at his son. 

"I told her I'd take her, though," Abel protested.

"Well I can give you both a ride, if you want?" Jax was looking down at his food and missed the amused expression Tara gave him. 

It was funny to think of their parenting and how it had almost done a 180 since the boys were younger. Jax was around his boys, but between the club and prison, never really present. It escaped no one that Tara was the one raising them. Jax's love for them was never in doubt, but the hard work fell to Tara. It was clear to her that she would have to be more of a disciplinarian if she were to maintain control over her two boys. This was especially true during Jax's longer prison stint. As the boys grew up she found that being strict was the only way to keep her boys in line and ultimately keep her sane. Since Jax got out and the boys developed into teens, Tara was happy to take more of a backseat and let Jax have his turn at being the stricter parent. There were times it caused friction in their family, and Tara swears she'll always remember the pain in her chest seeing Jax's expression when 13-year-old Abel stormed out of the house after yelling at Jax that he couldn't expect to tell him what to do now after being gone for seven years. There were certainly hard moments still, but it was getting better as the kids grew older.

"Fine," Abel grumbled. "I'll drive you, Tommy, and meet Katie there." His phone buzzed in his pocket and he reached for it.

"No phones at the table!" Lizzie sing-songed, a clear imitation of her parents.

"It's Wendy," Abel looked up at his mother. "I forgot to call her and let her know I passed, she's been waiting to hear."

Tara nodded, "OK, but tell her we're eating. And see if she and Chris are still coming down next week."

Wendy had been an almost permanent fixture in the family's life since Jax had first gone into Stockton. Living ten minutes down the road from her in Lathrop was a godsend to Tara the first year he was inside - she was broken hearted, overwhelmed, and needed to find a way to support her family and Wendy was there to help. She was under no false pretenses regarding Wendy's presence; Tara knew her first motivator was to see Abel and not necessarily to help her good friend Tara, especially after what had transpired just months before. In the back of her mind Tara knew it was irrational, but she still had moments of blind panic when she imagined returning home to find that Wendy had taken her boys and set off into the sunset. One night, three months into Jax's incarceration, she let this thought slip to Wendy.

_"Jesus, Tara," Wendy put down her tea and looked at her. They weren't really the type to sit and gossip, but Tara was exhausted from driving into San Francisco for her interview and the boys had been tough on Wendy. Wendy had been making tea when Tara came home and she invited her to stay and have a cup with her, surprising them both._

_"I know," Tara looked down at her hands, momentarily embarrassed, then remembered she was talking about the safety of her sons. Her nerves resolved, she looked up at Wendy expectantly._

_Wendy took a deep breath. "Tara, look. I have a life here now. A good job, friends, a guy I'm starting to see that I'm kind of excited about. I get to be around Abel. That's all I ever wanted. I know you're his mother. I'm not trying to change that. I just want to be...here. In whatever way you'll let me."_

It had taken Jax a bit longer to warm up to the idea of Wendy being around his family, but when Tara visited Jax and spoke about how much of her burden was eased, he had no choice but to be supportive of his wife. One of the many long letters he wrote Tara while he was inside was about his guilt over his actions with Wendy; he was ashamed of who he had become at that time and knew Wendy had to hate him. This made him nervous for her to be around his children. She relayed the conversation she had with Wendy to him, surprised that they had had the same thought. She gently suggested he discuss it with the prison counselor, someone he had mentioned offhand that one of his cell mates had seen. Tara was shocked that he even brought it up and she had tread carefully. Ultimately, opening up to a stranger about his life's problems was something that Jax wasn't able to do. There's only so much change a person can take, and as he drifted further from the club there were still some parts of his identity Jax clung to steadfastly. Instead, he wrote Wendy a letter.

Almost a year after his release, Tara was propped up in their bed one night with Jax lying next to her, stroking her rounded belly. The baby was to come in a month or so, and Wendy was planning a trip that would coincide with the baby's birth so she could watch over Abel and Thomas. Tara and Jax had decided that it was the right time to tell Abel that Wendy was his birth mother. At first Jax had protested; he felt that with the new baby there was enough disruption to their family. Tara laughed and pointed out that there was never _not_ a disruption with their family. Abel was 12, and the boys had both known for a while that Mommy's friend Wendy used to be married to Daddy. If they waited any longer, Tara worried, Abel may figure out the truth on his own and resent them for not telling him. Thomas was still young enough to accept whatever reasoning his parents gave for this new piece of information. 

_"You never told me what was in that letter you wrote Wendy," Tara said absentmindedly, running her fingers through Jax's hair. They had just finished what felt like their millionth conversation about Wendy's impending visit and their announcement to Abel._

_"It was mostly an apology," Jax said slowly, placing his full palm over her stomach and moving it around to try and find a little knee. "I did some awful shit to her. She made mistakes, but I've made countless more."_

_Tara's hands moved from his hair to his face as he propped himself up on his elbow to look at her and continued. "It wasn't all bad with her. I mean, yeah, she was always a bit of a mess, but she was...good. She was there when I was spinning out. I needed to be tethered a little. She wasn't the right tether, but she was there. It was fun. Until it wasn't," he looked off in the distance. "And that's on me. I wasn't faithful to her. She knew, and it devastated her. I feel partially responsible for how that all turned out." He looked down and started twisting his wedding band, the only ring he wore now. "_ _She did the right thing in the end, that's all that matters. And I didn't."_

Tara knew that the words he had been speaking to her were some version of what he had written to Wendy. A small part of her felt relief - she knew Jax was worthy of redemption and no matter what violence he committed in the name of his club, his decision to turn himself in and ultimately leave the club were enough in Tara's book to absolve him of those sins. She now felt that this letter was some absolution for his sins against Wendy.

* * *

The boys left in just as much of a rush as they had come in, begging Jax for his keys so Abel could drive the truck to the beach. Jax and Tara followed them to the driveway, Lizzie hot on their heels.

"Be careful, Abel. Seatbelts, mirrors, all of that please!" Tara called into the open windows as the boys settled in and Abel turned over the engine. Jax threw his arm around Tara's shoulders.

"Don't worry Mom, I got this!" Abel beamed and Jax tightened his grip on Tara. She felt his tension but also saw the small smile playing at his lips as he watched his sons pull away. The moment felt heavy, somehow, as they sat in the quiet. It was a beautiful early fall day, the air wasn't crisp just yet but you could tell that it was about to be with one quick shift of the wind from the water in neighboring La Jolla. In the quiet they could hear the sounds of the neighborhood, dogs barking in the distance, electric poles humming, a radio buzzing from a pizza delivery boy's idle sedan down the street. 

"There they go." Tara leaned against Jax's shoulder. 

"We got this, babe," Jax leaned his forehead against Tara's as they stood in the silence. Abel, grown. A new phase of their lives was starting. As they wondered where time went, they both marveled at having felt like they had already led a million different lives.

"I think I want to watch Incredibles instead of Frozen," Lizzie piped up behind them, bringing them back to reality. Jax laughed and pulled away from Tara.

"Then let's go, kid," he swung Lizzie up into the air and walked inside, Tara close behind, laughing. "I was serious about that pizza," Jax said over his shoulder. "I barely touched that food. Abel must be absolutely whipped to be into that shit."

"Oh, stop," Tara swatted his back as she made her way into the kitchen to clean. "I'll order it but tell me what you want. Then I'm showering," Tara felt Jax move behind her, his large hands coming around her hips as he placed a kiss in the crook of her neck where it met her shoulder.

"Want me to join you?" He murmured into her ear. 

Tara dipped her head back onto his shoulder, tempted. "I'm not opposed..." She turned in his arms and lifted her hands around his neck, noting his smirk as he dipped his lips to catch hers, his hands grabbing her hips firmer and pulling them towards his. She was vaguely aware their daughter was in the next room, but any rational thoughts tended to leave her head when Jax was in such close proximity to her. 

Tara acknowledged that she and Jax weren't like other married couples. Her friends at work would complain about their husbands wanting sex and how they were always tired, or how they and their husbands had almost forgotten what sex was. The fact that both of these concepts were relatively foreign to her was partially due to Jax's seven years away; and before that, their deeply volatile lifestyle meant many nights where Jax didn't come home or weeks where she didn't see him at all. And compounding his absence was the fact that she was constantly worried not only about when he would return to her, but _if_ he would. This tended to make their eventual reunions explosive with passion; the intensity almost too much to bear, both of them all too aware of just how limited their time together may be. Their complete lack of normalcy thus far in their life had to be what contributed to their insatiable appetites when it came to the other; sure, their children and school and work and life could on occasion prove obstacles, but neither passed on an opportunity to be wrapped up in the other. The desperation was thankfully less prevalent these days but the intensity remained.

Lizzie's chattering brought Tara back to reality as she pulled away from Jax and tilted her head to hear what her daughter was saying. Jax playfully nipped Tara's lips with his own and smiled.

"I think she's talking to Gemma," he said. Sure enough, Tara could hear Gemma over FaceTime sounding convincingly interested in Tommy's makeover that Lizzie had pulled off that afternoon.

"Well, nothing kills the mood quite like your mother," Tara turned and brought the dishes to the sink. "Also, it freaks me out how good Lizzie is with that iPad. She's too smart for her own good."

"Too smart, too pretty," Jax noted, opening the fridge to put away the leftovers.

"Oh, you think you're worried about that now - here we are thinking _Abel_ turning 16 is hard."

"I'm not concerned. She won't be able to date until she's dead."

Tara looked up at Jax, laughter in her eyes. "You mean till _you're_ dead."

"No, I don't." 

"I don't know, baby," Tara couldn't help but tease him. "If she takes after me at all, she's gonna be working with a great ass. Keeping the boys away will be tough.”

"That's not even funny, Tara," Jax started out of the room to monitor the FaceTime situation, not smiling. But as he passed by Tara he reached out and slapped her on the ass. "But it _is_ a world class ass."

He heard her laughter echoing behind him.

* * *

An hour later, Tara walks into the living room freshly showered to see her husband sprawled on the couch eating a slice of pizza while their daughter lounges against him, just barely keeping her eyes open. She raises her eyebrows at Jax who gives a slight shake of his head; Lizzie will be out soon enough, so probably best to leave her be. She goes to the kitchen to put on the kettle. Nighttime tea and whiskey is a ritual of hers and Jax's - something they did whenever they found themselves home at night together when Abel, and later Thomas, were both fast asleep and they needed to decompress. Since he got out it's something they've done almost every night. The letters they had exchanged during the time Jax was inside had helped them start to heal their wounds - writing about Tara's faked miscarriage, why she had to leave, his complicated feelings around Gemma, Collette. But once he was out and they were able to look into each other's eyes as they sorted through their complicated history, they both came to feel more at peace. 

She shuts the kettle off before it begins whistling and pops her head into the living room in time to see Jax retreating up the stairs, Lizzie fast asleep over his shoulder. Tara turns back to the kitchen to pour and steep their tea and settles into her reading chair in the corner of the living room. Jax comes back down the stairs and winks at her as he heads into the kitchen. She can hear him in the cupboards and knows he's pouring the whiskey. He returns to the living room, gesturing with his chin to the sliding door at the back of the room. "Think it's warm enough?"

"We can see," Tara says, grabbing a blanket as she opens the door to their small but comfortable yard. 

Jax settles on one of the lounge chairs they have on the deck, placing the mugs on a side table. He opens his legs and takes her hand, pulling her down to him. "C'mere."

Tara settles between his legs with her back against his chest, drawing the blanket over both of them as he wraps his arms around her chest. She looks down at his muscled arms enveloping her, marveling at the strength of his hands, and weaves her fingers through his.

"You know, it's kind of funny to think that if you had left Charming with me 25 years ago we might be right where we are now, sitting in San Diego." Tara looks off in the distance at the stars just forming as the dusk slowly descends into darkness. Jax tightens his arms around her and presses his lips to the top of her head. "Same outcome, different path."

"No Abel," Jax says.

Tara shudders at the thought. "I don't like that."

"I don't know if I'd feel the same peace that I do now if we hadn't gone through the shit in between," Jax says. "If I left the club any other way than I did."

Tara thinks of Jax's back, scarred from the laser removal that took months to complete while he was inside, and years to heal. She still helps him put ointment on it after every shower, and sometimes it still catches her by surprise to see his back; see the faint outline of his scars, the pure expanse of creamy skin where there used to be a vast harbinger of death. Then she is distracted by the beautiful lettering of their daughter's name over his right shoulder, the only new ink he has received in the last fourteen years since Thomas's birth. 

"Sometimes I still can't believe you're out," Tara says quietly.

It had been so much less eventful than she thought, to Tara's sheer relief. Though his brothers had visited him while he was inside, there was an unspoken understanding that Jax's time with SAMCRO was over. The ink removal solidified it. When he was released, he would not return to the table. Their visits were filled with talk of their other brothers and updates on friends and family, the goings-on at the new porn studio Lyla was now running. Jax waited to feel the pull of it, but through his letters to Tara and her responses, instead his heart ached as he came to terms with the sheer turbulence of his former life and his monstrous actions. He was overwhelmed with an almost desperate necessity to leave it and run for Tara while he now had a clear shot before she changed her mind. 

Jax's reply mirrors her own statement. "Sometimes I can't believe you're here." 

Tara is quiet, continues to run her fingers over and around Jax's. She won't pretend to not understand what he means. Ahead of the insane months leading up to Jax turning himself in, there was a steady hum in the back of her mind growing louder with every act of violence, every bloody t-shirt she would find on their bathroom floor. And after her own arrest, that hum grew into a loud shout and every bone in her body ached with exhaustion at what she had to do. She was sinking in her blind love and devotion to Jax and she had to save herself and her boys. And then, finally, he reached in and pulled her out.

"I'll always be here." Tara shifts so her head is resting on his shoulder and she can gaze up at him. "I love you."

"I love you, Tara," his voice is serious. "I'll never stop. I never have."

* * *

Jax wakes up when it seems like the very first ray of sunlight creeps across their bedroom floor. He looks down to where Tara's head rests on his chest, his arm securely fastened around her. A smile creeps across his face as he thinks of the night before. The intensity in the air after their conversation outside still lingered as they made their way into the house where Tara was mollified by a text from Thomas saying they'd be home at 11. 

Recognizing an opportunity when he saw one, Jax wordlessly took Tara's phone and placed it on the counter. He firmly took her face in his hands and slanted his open mouth over hers, swallowing the small moan of pleasure she let out. After a few moments, he pulled away and stared at her, her mossy eyes sharp and labored breaths coming from her swollen lips. Knowing what was next, she began walking towards the stairs, peeling her shirt off as she went while Jax trailed behind, unable to keep his eyes off of her. 

Now, he doesn't want to disturb his wife but he needs to get a few things off his plate before they head out for their normal Saturday morning ritual. He kisses her head and slips out of bed as smoothly as he can. On his way down the hall, the closed doors of Abel and Thomas's rooms confirm that they're both back home from last night's adventures, though he's sure Tara was up at some point in the night to check. He stopped in the doorway of Lizzie's room, watching her sleep peacefully with her head resting on her hands, chubby cheeks spilling over her little fingers, breathing deeply. He didn't risk moving further into the room, it was already too close to wake-up to tempt any fate. She'd have the whole house up soon enough.

Jax made his way downstairs to his office, firing up his laptop as he wandered into the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee. He got a kick out of the way Abel drank coffee now. They had to be sure to make a full pot - he wasn't sure when that happened but between that and the license, Jax was starting to enter a state of disbelief regarding how grown his son was becoming. He knew it had been plaguing Tara as well, felt it yesterday as they watched him drive off. They could use today's excursion to talk about it.

Jax sat at his desk and brought up two invoices he was way overdue on sending. The custom repair shop he had owned for the last two years was finally starting to pick up some steam. He was thinking he may have to hire an additional mechanic if he wanted to keep taking on work. He did have to admit that it felt good to have a waiting list of people who wanted him to work on their bikes, though he was worried that if he took on more he may have to sacrifice some of the time he spent writing. But it felt good to bring in some money, and although it wasn't close to what Tara brought in, he had spent a lot of his time inside mentally preparing himself for the fact that upon his release, he wasn't going to be the sole provider for his family. It was a blow to his ego - well, his entire being - to come to terms with it, and he wasn't quite there yet, but the shop allowed him to start to contribute decently to their day to day life and he forced himself to take pride in that.

In the moments he allowed himself the weakness of feeling like he wasn't enough, Tara was there to remind him. Once, she showed him a candid photo she had snapped. It was him in their garage, bent over the bike he was working on with Abel. His eyebrows were raised as if he were in the middle of a story; next to him, his three children sat watching him with rapt attention, utter devotion and love in their eyes.

"This. This is what you are to our family," Tara had said. "This is all that matters."

He looked down at his desk, at a framed photo from a SAMCRO barbecue years ago. Chibs, Tig, Bobby, Happy, Juice, Opie, and Jax all stand together. Not close, no arms wrapped around one another for a photo, although he remembers Tara trying to make that happen. But you can still see the bond of brotherhood between them all. The house is littered with other photos; Tara jokingly referred to them as "Charming" and "not Charming" photos when they moved in. The Charming part of their lives includes childhood photos of Jax and Tommy with JT, a few snaps of a teenaged Jax and Tara on his bike, photos of Opie and Donna, and a quick candid snap from Jax and Tara's wedding day. Newer photos include shots of Gemma and the kids during her rare but beloved visits, a photo of Wendy and the boys, photos from the boys' many sports endeavors, and pictures of Lyla, Kenny, Ellie and Piper that she sends Tara annually.

The photo on Jax's desk is the only one that includes his former brothers. The boys have asked Jax about their uncles, what they're up to now - Tara's explanation that they moved too far for them to visit when they were younger wore off just as Jax was released from prison and all the pieces started to come together. Jax tells them as much as he's comfortable telling them about the club; the boys are old enough to fill in the things he doesn't tell them. He gets a phone call from Chibs a few times a year. Things seem relatively calm in Charming, at least that's what he knows. And he's comfortable with that being all he knows.

Jax knows one day he'll have to explain it all to Lizzie as well, but for now she just laughs at Daddy's "matching outfits." 

At that moment, she comes bounding into his office. "Morning, Daddy!" She jumps into his lap and squeezes her arms around his neck and Jax is sure nothing in the world feels more perfect.

"Morning, baby girl," he gives her two loud wet kisses on the cheek, making her laugh. "You wake Mommy up?"

"She sure did," Tara walks into the room, already dressed. "You ready to go?"

"Let me just send this out, give me 10 minutes." Jax turns to Lizzie. "Go tell your brothers Mommy and Daddy are leaving soon." She obediently runs up the stairs, happy to have permission to wake up Abel and Thomas. 

When they groggily amble into the kitchen, Tara puts her coffee down as she fixes her hair in the mirror. "OK, I don't care if you park her in front of the TV all morning, but make sure you feed her."

"OK Mom," Abel says as he goes to the fridge. "Have fun. Maybe once I pass the test I can go along with you guys?"

Jax walks into the kitchen. "Sorry dude, nope. Private time for Mom and Dad, you know that." He waggles his eyebrows suggestively, primarily to disgust his sons. It works.

"Honestly, you guys are more disgusting than Abel and Katie," Thomas groans, reaching for the cereal.

"Oh please," Tara rolls her eyes at Jax. "Abel, of course. We'd love for you to come along when you can ride." Abel beams.

One morning a few months after Lizzie was born, Jax had woken up to the sound of Tara's crying. After she assured him the baby was fine, she broke down and admitted how overwhelmed she was and how her hormones were getting the best of her. Lizzie was on the fussier side, Abel was almost a pre-teen and was testing her patience, and Tommy was having a hard time adjusting to no longer being the baby and having his father back in his life unexpectedly. It all came to a head and Tara felt entirely underwater. 

Not sure of what else to do, Jax asked their next door neighbor, a friend of Tara's, to come watch the kids for two hours max. They left a bottle, Jax told Tara to throw on some jeans, and they got on the bike. Instead of heading west towards the water, Jax headed east. As the neighborhoods and buildings fell away and they rode further into the canyons, he felt Tara's body relax against his, as if her tension were melting away. The wind whipped past them and the sun warmed their faces. The ride brought her back to being 16 years old, free and unencumbered, on the back of Jax's bike weaving their way through the desert roads of Charming. If only for a short while, her mind was put at ease. And so they made it a habit, as often as they were able to while Lizzie was younger. Once her brothers were old enough to keep an eye on her, Jax and Tara made their rides a weekly ritual.

After kissing their children, they headed out to the garage and Jax's bike. "You ready babe?" Jax puts his KD's on and adjusts his gloves as Tara climbs on the back. 

"Always," she replies as she places her hands firmly across his waist, placing a kiss on his back and resting her cheek against it. It's the safest place she knows she'll ever be.

_I got you_

_In my veins, in my blood_

_I got you_

_Straight to my heart like a flood_

_Like there ain't no other love_

_Hearts aren't always red_

_They're black and blue_

_I got you_

_I got you_

**Author's Note:**

> "I Got You" by The White Buffalo and Audra Mae


End file.
